To save you the time and energy (and inevitable emotional damage), we trawled the life-sucking pages of Craigslist to identify the strangest, most unsettling roommate ads available just to see how murky the housing pool gets. On the plus side, unlike recreational nudists, this guy is actually making a living letting it all hang out, so if he coughs... up the cash on time, who cares if he was storing the bills under his balls.
In fact, these things are basically glorified raccoons. Either way, having a perpetually naked female around might be the most unoriginal dream ever, so you’ve got to appreciate this couple’s, um, naked ambition. What kind of thing are they trying to make that’s “kinda special, kinda unique”? Most people can’t find an affordable one bedroom in close proximity to Rainey Street, yet somehow this guy’s offering you the opportunity to live it up Versailles-style in 1/25th of a goddamn palace, which seems... Is it the Nickelback lyrics that may or may not be ironic? The casual mention of HOT YOUNG WOMEN and a MOLLY/LUCY LIGHTSHOW in ALL CAPS SO YOU KNOW HE MEANS IT?! double standard if you will, but this post is considerably less creepy than its inverse would be -- and not just because it’s impossible for a “40yrs old ” man to use a happy face appropriately. And, yeah, most roommate situations have been pretty standard: parents and siblings, that bro in college who ate all your Hot Pockets or the neat freak with the passive-aggressive Post-Its. This guy isn’t going to pay you, but he does promise to help you pick up chicks, which, we can probably all agree, is a skill that’s pretty much priceless. Though, to be fair, this is “not some fat nasty dude so you don’t have to worry.” Phew, close one. It’s not surprising, per se, that a freelance poet would have bad credit, but dude, if this post is actually a poem... at least have some respect and hook us up with a haiku. 0 a night should cover any necessary sanitization. ) Needing assistance after spinal surgery is completely understandable, and we’d all probably prefer to picture ourselves as the kind of upright (sorry) citizens who would gladly see this ad, move in and, like, grab things from the top shelf... But even the most martyr-esque among us are likely to lose interest at the prospect of helping a stranger bathe.Once you get past the fact that the word “wingman” is only used by bros who wear seriously questionable denim and won’t stop trying to buy 19-year-old girls drinks that end in “bomb” -- and the fact that, again, he’s not going to pay you -- he seems like a real winner who just wants to spread the love and help his homeboy (that could be you! Just keep in mind that if he’s posting ads like this on Craigslist, whatever girl he tries to hook you up with likely came from there, too. While typical landlords would never accept pot as partial rent, the world is your payment-option oyster on Craigslist. You picture yourself at the bar, surrounded by babes, as closing time approaches: “Yo, my roommate has this lemur... ” And hey, they’ve seen Madagascar -- this shit practically sells itself. This offer is either really generous and really specific or really weird and, yeah, really specific. Are the majority of the skills in this self-proclaimed gypsy’s portfolio in any way marketable or applicable to life in Austin in 2016? (Well, um, maybe wild edibles.) But hey, you better believe that if some apocalyptic shit goes down, your boy James is going to be the only one in the vicinity with working knowledge of bow-drill fire starting, deer hide preserving and animal husbandry. Also, there’s like a 70% chance this bro has bongos.This guy gets bonus points not only for offering to smoke you out as a complementary form of compensation, but for requesting an essay to determine who gets the privilege to puff-puff-pass on the first of the month. Plus, puppies get people laid all the time, so imagine the possibilities when you’re in possession of a legitimate MONKEY. Do I have to buy MORE lemurs so he doesn’t get lonely? Oh, and sidenote -- surprise -- these things are freaking NOCTURNAL. But hey, if you fit the part, want free rent and are interested in telltale keywords like “mariachi,” “ocean cruise” and “fine steaks,” who are we to judge? There are multiple Craigslist ads posted for what appears to be the same place, and after a little reading, you’ll probably realize there are two kinds of people in this world: those who want to live here -- who probably idolize Dan Bilzerian, wear silver balls around their neck, legitimately prefer fake boobs, and have at least one barbed wire tattoo -- anddddd the kind who would rather move back in with their parents and never, ever have sex again.